My Crush

Painful always haunts me every second. I want to tell him something, but I’m concerned about rejection. To be honest I don’t have to tell him about this unnecessary feeling because he knew it. However, I’d held this for so long. Maybe it’s time to let go. There are many reasons drawn inside my head. Questions out of nowhere came in my brain. What I have been waiting for? Loves? Why is it important for me?. There are many other guys who want you ( I suppose), he’s not the only guy in the world. 

At the end of the day he still couldn’t be mine that’s facts. Meaning these desires are not granted, it’s just my fantasy. Now my wishes are only regular wishes without ambitions. I gave up at some point, because I knew and he knew waiting is not what I want; however, I honestly not sure what I want out of this, I am not ready for dating anyway. I can’t hold all of this, because if I stayed he wouldn’t even care. It’s better to leave these dreams behind. Well, I shouldn’t expect him to admit me as someone special in this situation. Feedback would not drive us to the right destination. Because if I force his feelings, it wouldn’t work as good as my expectations. Now I have a new desire, I want to stop all of this compassion, sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings. It might sound impossible. But, I believe I can show him how to appreciate someone’s effort who spends their time for him. Then, he will understand that he’s not supposed to ignore someone who truly loves him. Who always chased him like a prince, even though I know the story will not end like in Disney world movies. Sometimes we have dreams that we can’t afford/reach, but we have the strong ambition to keep on trying to grab the kite. Even though it’s preposterous to take it while there is a heavy storm coming. In addition, the worst part all over is that I believed in miracles, which always convince my heart to stay for him. I know all of this is only a lie, this fake attention that always makes me think I have a chance to chase him. Every explanation that never has been proven by evidence and many useless tracks I had followed only for my temporary pleasure. Here’s my story!

PART 1 – That’s how I know you

When I was in middle school, I saw someone from a distance, I thought he was really cute and I started liking him then. Btw, he is not the only one I liked at the time. so, it is not a big deal to like him because it was not intense. But, then I realized something, I stopped liking the other guys and still like this guy. I remember, I asked everyone about him, From a simple question, “Do you know his name?” to get to know his Facebook. I was devastated in a good way when he confirmed me. I was in the 7th grade, my love for him is for sure only a flying bird’s love. then I started to cry when I didn’t see him around school for a week, I thought he moved to a different school. Well, he was sick, that’s why he skipped school. I am always excited to see him, most of the time he and his friends will hangout around my class and I am just excited to see him . It was a bittersweet to see him walk pass my class with his friends because I do not have the courage to greet him at the time. I remember clearly his slimes and laughs. There is an accident that I will never forget. In the front of my classroom, we have a tiny garden and every Friday we have to take care of it. The teacher once told us to report him if anyone messed around with our gander.  At the time he was in the front of my classroom, he was sitting there with his friends, but he stepped on our garden. This is the first time I have the courage to talk to him. I warned him that the teacher will get mad if he keeps on stepping in our garden. He did not stop, then continued to step on it. I remember clearly what he had done. Then, since he won’t listen, I reported him with my friend. Then, something strategic happened. My teacher called him, and yelled at him, I thought the teacher would only warn him. turned out, the teacher slapped his face. It was my fault. Then, my friends who knew I had a crush on him told the teacher, and the teacher began to ask him, why is he around our class if his class is somewhere else. Then, continued to wonder “are you here because Gaby is here?”. Starting that point, he ignored me more. 

Part 2 – are we close yet?

I am now in my 8th grade, now my class is his previous classroom, what a destiny.  I also got some new friends, became more active in school clubs, student government and even became a leader for my class. I became more happy and happier. The thing that does not change, is that I still like the same guy. Now, he is in 9th grade, In Indonesia 9th grade is still middle school, But it is their last year of being middle schoolers. I was worried maybe he won’t ever know about my feelings. Luckly, I became friends with one girl. It turns out her cousin is a close friend of the guy I liked. From that point, me and my friend decided to write many stories, poems, jokes and more. Then, my friend would show it to her cousin and surprisingly we also got feedback from him. It was not so lovely but at least we got noticed. A week later or so, we began a war between my friends and his friends, we threw rocks, sand, all you can grab will be used at that point.  We began to hang out together during our break. I was happy at least my friends and his friends are now closed. They knew I had a crush on him.  However, after all, the guy still does not like to talk to me. As time progressed, we all became closer that everyday they would come by our classrooms and say hello. We often play games with them too. When I miss school, they will text me from Facebook and when I am back they would wonder why. But, still the guy I liked does not talk to me. 

Part 3 – This is not the first time I cried because of him

On Valentine’s day, I decided to buy chocolate for him. I wrapped it with a cute ribbon. I even left a message inside in case he accepted it : ‘I thought you won’t receive it, thank-you”. As I was giving it to him, he was with a group of his friends. I gave it to him, he didn’t even look at me and said “ just give it to someone else”. I ended up giving the chocolate to his friend: So, I went back to my classroom and cried for a good 10 mins. Later that day, my friend told me she saw him eating the chocolate with his friends. Today May 31 2020, I am scrolling our conversation on Facebook, I actually texted him at night that day. February 14 2015 at 7:22 pm, I told him “even though you didn’t take my chocolate at least you took one piece of the chocolate and ate it with your friends, and I know your ego is too high”. I even made a joke that we were soulmates. But, he didn’t answer anything. 

Part 4 – Am I sad or happy for him? 

Few months later, he dated someone else. She is cute, smart, popular and all positive things you can think of. He really loved her, I saw him struggling to get his love for that girl, he looked like a new person when he was around her, and I am jealous. She can easily make him smile and she could talk to him for hours. On his birthday, they celebrated it together and until now I still saved the picture of both of them. It hurts to see it because the face of joy that he portrait in the photo could never be for me. Btw, they weren’t together for a long time, I forget how long they lasted. Once they’re separated, he was having trouble moving on. I thought that was karma for some reason

Part 5 – I wonder —-

My half year in 8th grade. Suddenly, my dad and mom agreed for me to move back to America, so I skipped school a lot I was busy doing my passport and all that paper work. I missed him so much, I called my friends multiple times when their in school, just to make sure how he is doing in school. Then, I would flirt and blush when I heard his voice from the background too. Since we’re friends on Facebook, I wanted to text him and I did eventually. Once I started texting him I couldn’t help myself and kept bothering him. Sometimes on a lucky day, he would reply with the shortest word possible or just a read. I always paid attention to his posts and majority was about anime and games. I am not good at gaming, so I didn’t even mentioned. I had watched some anime with my brother but wasn’t fully understanding the story. I really have nothing to talk about with him. Then, he posted a picture of Attack on Titan which coincidently was the anime my brother was watching at the time. Therefore, I keep on asking my brother about the anime in order for us to have a conversation. then, it seems to be a little boring and I wasn’t enjoying our chat anyway. so, I asked him about the game LOL. I really don’t want to play any game lol. The most important thing is that I tried my hardest to bring up topics and like what he like too in order to be close to him. I also comment all his post and even share it haha. Wait, he texted me once, unfortunately that was only because he played Truth or Dare with his friends. I was so happy and was sad. It was the first time he ever texted me first. I will never forget that. Sometimes without him knowing, I texted him with my best friend’s Facebook and talked anything I could come up with at the time. It was odd though, He was willing to have a chat with my friend ( me technically) but he wasn’t replying mine. I thought to myself, maybe he acted differently to me because he knew I liked him, he avoid me just so that I leave him alone. If that’s true, It means I had done a wrong approach. I realized that I was not only admiring him, but was obsessed with him.

Part 6 – Last moments

Few weeks before school ended, my best friends and his friends were too close, so we hung out a lot in school. Even the group of people who me and my friends considered enemies looked nervous and anxious because of our closeness. They used to talk shit about us and basically between us there was a cold war. Anyways, one day all of us walked home together. It was a great moment, we all laughed at each other, created unnecessary jokes, talking about some of our stupidity moments in school, bullying in a somewhat good way, they used to hijack us and I am still the same as not able to talk to the guy with an initial V. well, I thought I was at least lucky to have more guy friends and was glad that they were there during my lifetime. Long story short, It was v’s graduation day, I was there to see him. I was excited for him and extremely proud, to be honest he wasn’t like the smartest kid nor a diligent. He skipped class, rarely studied, and I was worried what if he couldn’t make it to high school?. This is the time period I wonder myself why I like him, Like he was not the only handsome dude in my school, he was just an average human being. Maybe he was superior on gaming but really? -,-. It was a sad day because it was my last day to see him in-person. My friend wanted to take a picture with all of them, we ended up bumping into V and my friend was able to get a photo with him and I was the one who took it for them. I technically also got a selfie with him, but it was not like he volunteer, I took the selfie secretly and he was covering his face to avoid the picture. And that was the last time I saw him.